Just last night I was flipping through this back issue of Cleo magazine (and if you really wanna know how back, that was a March 1997 issue… my birthday present in primary school) and it had lots of interesting articles about what men think which really, well, interested me. Speaking as a girl who used to avoid boys cos’ they teased her for being fat and later went to a girls’ school and still doesn’t come into much contact with them these days… men are, in my dictionary, listed as a sub-point under “Alien species—TOUCH NOT”. I was never very aware of them, not generally. I mean, I can’t help but notice not everyone in school wears a skirt as part of the uniform, but because I don’t talk much to them they might as well not be there. And now all of a sudden they’re getting into my consciousness.

I am not referring to him in particular… yeah you all know who I am talking about. I mean that I’ve recently got to know this girl friend that’s had six boyfriends and is, to me, quite the expert on men. And all of a sudden there’s this whole new dimension out there that I only ever vaguely knew existed. I never knew, for one thing, that men actually got concerned over their weight, that “90% of all men watch pornography” (a generalization, I realize, but when you’re in a group of knowing females and most of them agree on this point it tends to have an impact on you) and some men know all about the different types of women’s underwear even more than I do (what the hell for?!) and when a group of men get together, no matter what the topic of conversation starts out as, they will eventually and definitely get round to talking about women. I clarified this last point with a guy, who agreed it was true. What do they talk about? Erm, body parts.

My reaction: !

Besides that, there are also the more subtle differences… in personality, you could say. I learned the hard way some time back that when a man says he wants to be alone, he means that he wants to be ALONE, and it’s a matter of life and death to a woman if she tries following him. Now, I know some women behave this way too. As a matter of fact, if I just go off by myself all of a sudden I really don’t want or expect anyone to come after me… but if I storm off in a huff or something, that’s different. Then I DO. I think men have difficulties recognizing this difference. Also, when I’m around a woman in any situation, instinctively I know I have to TALK, and sometimes I just don’t want to. Again, with a man, it’s different… when I’m around guys I feel no pressure to talk whatsoever which is really more comfortable in that way.

And then another fundamental difference is how we spend our time.

I wouldn’t mind sitting in front of the TV watching sports and drinking beer (I’m quite attracted to alcohol actually, despite all my past Biology lessons) but it has to be a sport WORTH WATCHING, like Judo maybe. 22 men chasing after one little ball is simply not my cup of tea. What are women famous for doing, then? Shopping, of course. And then again we have the difference. I once described a shopping experience to a group of friends comprising of two females and one male… the girls were attentive and understanding, and the guy was attentive and very, very horrified.

Here’s a tip for all women: If you have a guy you really, really hate and you want to do something really VICIOUS to him, make him go shopping with you. Better still, bring along this old, ugly and really BIG handbag. MAKE HIM CARRY IT. And then make sure you shop somewhere that his buddies might be hanging out, just to keep him on his toes.

Now that’s evil.