Destruction, in The Sandman Volume VII: Brief Lives

"I like the stars. It's the illusion of permanence, I think. I mean, they're always flaring up and caving in and going out.

But from here, I can pretend...

I can pretend that things LAST. I can pretend that lives last longer than moments.

Gods come, and gods go. Mortals flicker and flash and fade. Worlds don't last; and stars and galaxies are transient, fleeting things that twinkle like fireflies and vanish into cold and dust.

But I can pretend."

From The Sandman Volume VI: Fables and Reflections

"It is sometimes a mistake to climb; it is always a mistake never even to make the attempt.

If you do not climb you will not fall. This is true. But is it that bad to fail, that hard to fall?
Sometimes you wake, and sometimes, yes, you die. But there is a third alternative."

"Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you.

And sometimes, when you fall, you fly."

I just read something on how blue-tac (or is it blu-tack??) works well as an eraser for graphite pencil. Sounds interesting... It would be nice to experiment on stuff again. Wonder how I would differentiate it from my putty eraser, though. I haven't done any drawing for a long time... . I sort of got inspired by Book V of The Sandman: "A Game of You", but it seems more and more obvious to me that my muse has gone out to lunch. If she has, she must be really hungry, cos' I've been waiting for her a long time.

... I'm feeling worried now about something. Something else.

I wonder how far you would call this paranoia, which is what some people have told me.

Sunny Came Home
A song by Shawn Colvin

Sunny came home to her favourite room
Sunny sat down in the kitchen
She opened a book and a box of tools
Sunny came home with a mission

She says days go by I'm hypnotized
I'm walking on a wire
I close my eyes and fly out of my mind
Into the fire

Sunny came home with a list of names
She didn't believe in transcendence
It's time for a few repairs she said
Sunny came home with a vengeance

She says days go by I don't know why
I'm walking on a wire
I close my eyes and fly out of my mind
Into the fire

Get the kids and bring a sweater
Dry is good and wind is better
Count the years, you always knew it
Strike a match, go on and do it

Days go by I'm hypnotized
I'm walking on a wire
I close my eyes and fly out of my mind
Into the fire

Light the sky and hold on tight
The world is burning down
She's out there on her own and she's alright
Sunny came home
Sunny came home

Been playing the piano, "Early Summer" from the anime soundtrack of "Boys Be", as well as "A Maiden's Prayer", cos' Mi'er wants me to teach her that. ^_^ I like playing the piano. What I find rather symbolic is its rule of Don't Look Back, i.e. never try to repeat the piece from the beginning when you stumble or make a mistake or whatever, cos' when you do that in an exam half your marks will automatically fly. As we go on, the rest of the piece can still sound good enough for that previous error to be negligible; otherwise, the next time round will be better. It's the same with life.

Eh, I don't mean to sound over melodramatic about what happened... I'm honestly not referring to any incident. It was just a random thought, that's all.

I'm wondering what to do for my art competition now, because I don't feel like doing what I originally planned, any more. I wouldn't mind doing it on my own, but I don't want people to see it. Anyway it's a little too complicated, and there's only one thing I'm short of now and that is TIME. (Which makes you wonder what I'm doing here blogging, doesn't it?) Hmm. I'm waiting for inspiration to come up and bite me on the nose.

(Ow.)

I am lifting the censor now, because there is absolutely no way I will ever fall into the same trap of liking the Completest Asshole that Ever Lived.

"What's your name? I can't remember it already."

Add that to a slightly forced, uncertain tone, and he wouldn't look at me (not that I'm not used to that) so I knew that he was lying really. His subtle way, I suppose, of telling me he wants nothing more to do with me (not that I can blame him, in a way).

I'm not hurt. I just feel very small and stupid and make that STUPID in capital letters with extra helpings of stupidity on top. STUPID in double, triple, quadruple scoops with toppings of RAGE.

I am going to (quoting a line from a CCS fanfic) give him a Bloody Good Preview of the Torments of the Ninth Hell.

His life is going to get really fun, really soon.

Just spoke to Janise. We had a great relevation session (one hour and eighteen minutes plus fifty-seven seconds) which makes me think I can lift the censor completely now... but to be on the safe side, just another week more will do. ^_^ It was so good -- SO GOOD -- to know that someone fell into the exact same trap that I did, that someone got out of it by actually getting to KNOW him, which I don't. I'm not alone after all. I felt really really STUPID at first, when I learned things about him... things he's done, how immature he usually is, what other people really think about him and I think: This is the god I have been worshipping?

My first reaction was to think seriously about migrating to a distant galaxy.

Then I started laughing.

He has been telling his friends about me. I know this much. When I first discovered it I wanted to kick his ass somewhere between Mars and Jupiter, and that feeling has revived. Especially when I add that to something horrible that happened yesterday, which was what influenced my dream, really.

I know Janise doesn't read this blog, but I want to put this here anyway.

THANK YOU.

I wonder how it is that I, like so many human beings, tend to want to make things look better: rewind memory as with a tape, tint it a brighter shade, cut things, edit, delete. Store in a safe place away from harsh scrutiny.

I wonder why I want to convince myself that some things were actually better than I felt.

After a while the images merge, they clash, they contradict each other and I no longer know what the true version was, any more.

Did I tint it with a better perception after it was gone... or did I see everything through dark eyeglasses when it happened, so that what I wished it to be later was the true version after all?

How will I ever know?

I suppose it doesn't matter now.

Had a dream last night, and yet I can't record it anywhere. It was not a good dream. Just my subconscious telling me how dumb I've been, I suppose. In the end I was just running, and running, and running away from I know not what and I know not where to... It was exhilarating, all that running, all that wind in my hair and someone was chasing after me -- not out of love but duty -- but that person wasn't able to stop me, not any more.

It was a disturbing dream.

The fight against SARS is sure killing a lot of trees.
I got this really enlightening information sheet on How To Take Your Temperature today:

Student's Information Sheet on SARS

Mouth Reading
1. Place the thermometer under your tongue.
2. Close your mouth around the thermometer.

... No, I didn't know that. ...

"I am that merry wanderer of the night"? I am that giggling-dangerous-totally-bloody-psychotic-menace-to-life-and-limb, more like it.
~Peaseblossom, in "Dream Country"

Heh. Just read that in The Sandman, yesterday. Another one of my favourite quotes; it really made me laugh. This is where Dream invites the fae folk to watch a play ("A Midsummer Night's Dream"), which Shakespeare wrote for him. It's funny cos' the fae are watching actors pretending to be themselves, and Peaseblossom (who does NOT look like his name, that's an ugly creature if I ever saw one) was kicking up a fuss over the line I just quoted.

Another one I like (I'm currently on book 4 btw: Season of Mists) is this:

"I think the whole world's gone mad."
"Uh-Uh. It's always been like this. You probably just don't get out enough."

~Sexton Furnival and Death, in "Death: The High Cost of Living"

Evening Solace
by Charlotte Bronte

The human heart has hidden treasures,
In secret kept, in silence sealed;­
The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures,
Whose charms were broken if revealed.
And days may pass in gay confusion,
And nights in rosy riot fly,
While, lost in Fame's or Wealth's illusion,
The memory of the Past may die.

But, there are hours of lonely musing,
Such as in evening silence come,
When, soft as birds their pinions closing,
The heart's best feelings gather home.
Then in our souls there seems to languish
A tender grief that is not woe;
And thoughts that once wrung groans of anguish,
Now cause but some mild tears to flow.

And feelings, once as strong as passions,
Float softly back ­a faded dream;
Our own sharp griefs and wild sensations,
The tale of others' sufferings seem.
Oh ! when the heart is freshly bleeding,
How longs it for that time to be,
When, through the mist of years receding,
Its woes but live in reverie !

And it can dwell on moonlight glimmer,
On evening shade and loneliness;
And, while the sky grows dim and dimmer,
Feel no untold and strange distress­
Only a deeper impulse given
By lonely hour and darkened room,
To solemn thoughts that soar to heaven,
Seeking a life and world to come.

I have been getting along better with people these days, feeling stronger, full of light. Did a presentation yesterday, in accordance with my vow; thought of backing out at first, but it went perfectly well. I'm starting to realise that I'm no longer afraid.

I like my class, and my juniors too.

Gaston lent me his entire Sandman series -- very grateful to him for that. I lock it up in my locker before going home, though, or I know I'll spend my entire day reading and not do any work.

Here's a quote I like. Dream is in Hell now, trying to get one of his possessions back from a demon. He issued a challenge and they're now playing a game. The aim of it is to outdo each other, to say "I am..." something that can overpower the other. The demon speaks first; this is the last part of it, and Dream wins, leaving the demon speechless.


"I am the anti-life, the beast of judgement. I am the dark at the end of everything, the end of Universes, Gods, Worlds...
...of everything.
Sss. And what will YOU be THEN, Dreamlord?"


"I am hope."

"Things just repeat. Day and night, summer and winter. The world is empty and aimless. Everything circles around. Whatever starts up must pass away, whatever is born must die. It all cancels out, the good and bad, beautiful and ugly. Everything's empty. Nothing is real. Nothing matters."

~Morla, "The Neverending Story"

I think you can tell that I'm not especially perky right now.