It's my sister's 21st birthday today. Her boyfriend came over and we had a green tea birthday cake with red candles that melted horribly fast and she got the hugest bouquet I'd ever laid my eyes on, twenty-one roses in all. ^_^ Plus other miscellaneous flowers; lilies, I think. I could hardly lift it.
I was thinking about birthdays... cos' many people I know have their birthdays in June. There's an especial fuss over milestone birthdays: the 18th, the 21st, the 50th. For me the only one special one was (supposed to be) the 16th because I turned 16 on February 16. Don't ever make days special like that. All what you get is the most horrendously bitter disappointment. I've ceased looking forward to a happy 21st myself, having spent my 18th writing deadly depressing poetry behind locked doors. (To be fair, it was great with my friends around, a few days before the actual date. But my birthday fell on a Sunday this year, and my mother wasn't speaking to me cos' we had a fight two days before. So it felt pretty bleak.)
Besides, I hope to die before my 50th. I think.
This is the most I've been thinking so far today.
I've been going into mental hibernation... ^_^; like Plath says, body like a closed bulb and too numb to think. I'm not depressed; it just seems like my mind is shutting down. I hate talking now, and typing, and blogging, and the actual physical process of writing, which explains why most of my diary entries now are either in one paragraph or simply nonexistent. Writing is a form of talking, in a way. You hold a conversation with someone, it doesn't matter who, someone in your head maybe. You have to translate feelings into words and string words to make sentences and these sentences have to make sense. What a bother.
I used to wonder how babies thought, since they didn't know any words yet. Maybe we've lost the knack of having abstract thought. Yet it does come back, when we do Art, or Math. Maybe that's why I've been painting and doing math most of the time now, and leaving all my writing aside. All what I have to do is pause, look, move. Pause, look, move. What a pleasure, to have done away with words.
Alright. I've spoken enough for today.
...
I was thinking about birthdays... cos' many people I know have their birthdays in June. There's an especial fuss over milestone birthdays: the 18th, the 21st, the 50th. For me the only one special one was (supposed to be) the 16th because I turned 16 on February 16. Don't ever make days special like that. All what you get is the most horrendously bitter disappointment. I've ceased looking forward to a happy 21st myself, having spent my 18th writing deadly depressing poetry behind locked doors. (To be fair, it was great with my friends around, a few days before the actual date. But my birthday fell on a Sunday this year, and my mother wasn't speaking to me cos' we had a fight two days before. So it felt pretty bleak.)
Besides, I hope to die before my 50th. I think.
This is the most I've been thinking so far today.
I've been going into mental hibernation... ^_^; like Plath says, body like a closed bulb and too numb to think. I'm not depressed; it just seems like my mind is shutting down. I hate talking now, and typing, and blogging, and the actual physical process of writing, which explains why most of my diary entries now are either in one paragraph or simply nonexistent. Writing is a form of talking, in a way. You hold a conversation with someone, it doesn't matter who, someone in your head maybe. You have to translate feelings into words and string words to make sentences and these sentences have to make sense. What a bother.
I used to wonder how babies thought, since they didn't know any words yet. Maybe we've lost the knack of having abstract thought. Yet it does come back, when we do Art, or Math. Maybe that's why I've been painting and doing math most of the time now, and leaving all my writing aside. All what I have to do is pause, look, move. Pause, look, move. What a pleasure, to have done away with words.
Alright. I've spoken enough for today.
...
posted by Ling at
10:18 PM
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