I'm sitting at my computer right now, typing. Evening is arriving; I can feel it come without having to look at it. I have a CD on in the hi-fi behind me, and Miaka is sleeping on a rug at my feet, so that all what I see when I look down is a warm ginger-brown circle of cat. He seems to know intuitively when I most want company.

There's no good way for me persuade people I know out of suicide because I've been there myself, and I came back still looking for the answers. Been there, done that, wore the T-shirt, bought the CD, and sadly came back none the wiser. If only there was a solution - if only there was a magic formula - something I could say to touch people and make them feel better. If only I could stop the abrupt sense of disconnection that likes to spring on me, or on anyone else, just as I'm least expecting it. But there isn't.

Life has dealt with me fairly; I do admit that. No one can do anything to me that I cannot recover from - I know that too. I firmly believe that life is a series of lessons and we are here to learn; deal with it, or it comes back! All these I know, and all of you know, but we know on an intellectual level and that is the problem. None of these count when emotions are concerned. None of these count even when we know that there are people who care for us, people who would be hurt by us, let's just be selfish for a while and get out. Now.

...I don't know what the answer is.

I've been reading blogs. Lots and lots and lots of blogs. It's like we're all paying tribute to her memory in our own special way. There are so many people out there mourning her... so many memories of her, regardless of whether they'd known her personally or, like me, had only seen her once or twice. Its sounds stupid to post an observation here that people are all so very interlinked, but it's only now that I've felt this truth on such a large scale. There are ripples... spreading out everywhere.