I used to want to avoid anger. Now I think I actually enjoy it.

At any rate, it makes me feel a lot less helpless... and it tells me I'm still alive. Which isn't often. Anger is a far better alternative than say, depression. ("False grief", I read, aka depression, is actually a smokescreen for anger especially for women, who aren't encouraged to show their anger in public.) I'll take the anger, anytime.

A friend told me this morning that two other classmates had been gossiping about me... people that I'd confided in cos' I thought they were friendly and, well, harmless. Apparently not. They know about an eighth of what happened to me and now they're assuming I cried the entire day for that reason. Excuse me? So now they're saying I'm pathetic, but bloody shit, they haven't even begun to scrape the surface of what I was upset about. My friend warned me not to be too trusting, about some things.

It got me wondering.

I've spent years and years of my life, really, in what can be termed no more than a sweet-little-girl act. Which basically consists of shutting up good, saying "yes" to everything, sitting down, behaving, and being ingratiatingly polite. So I thought I'd turn into a sweet-little-lady, like my mom, then a sweet-little-old-lady; always nice, always negligible, always in the background - cos' by God, at least that's somewhere safe. You don't get into the line of fire by camouflaging yourself. That's what I always thought.

It's not been working very well.
(Understatement.)

After some time I've started to see that NO MATTER WHAT I DO... there will always be something about me that rubs people the wrong way, something that they can tease me about, something I will never be able to get right no matter how hard I try. There will always be people who, unimpressed with the way I stay out of everyone else's line of vision, condemn me privately behind my back. I honestly, honestly thought that people would treat me the way I treated them. I never bitch behind anyone's back, because I don't like the way it feels. Yet that doesn't stop anyone from doing it to me.

So I've done all that to restrict and contain myself, I've tried to blend in and fit in... to what avail? At what price?

... There are going to have to be some big changes around here.

The Law of Karma
What goes around comes around. That includes everything good, bad, and awfully, awfully freaky.

I found Ailin's bloggy on Google.com today, which is a search engine that works Rather Too Well. Then I sms-ed Ailin telling her Hey! I've found her blog! And then guess what! Ailin knows this blog too... through Google. Karma's a bit too efficient for my taste.

Alright, I'm honestly fine with the thought of Ailin knowing my blog address; I would've given it to her myself anyway. The only thing is: This spawns *gasp!* a whole host of *gasp!* fearful thoughts of *gasp!* PEOPLE WHO WALK AROUND ME *gasp!* KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT IS *you get the idea...(!)* GOING ON INSIDE MY HEAD, KNOWING THAT I DON'T KNOW THAT THEY KNOW. This is terribly, terribly, GETTING TO ME. Due to too much caffeine, lack of sleep, and intense, gnawing paranoia, this is what I'm going to ask you to do:

This is a list of people I personally KNOW whom I explicitly gave my blog address to. (Minus Ailin, of course.) - Mi'er, Qinying, Shu Han, Serene, Grace, Yanxiang, the whole of T3, Tee Kian, Yihua, Janise, Joanne, Yahui, Junhui, Wanyu. If I missed anyone out, PLEASE don't hate me. And if you're not -! HANDS UP! DROP ALL PRETENSES AND TURN TO FACE THE WALL! THEN SIGN YOUR NAME IN UNDER "Comments"!

Your name of Li Ying creates a desire to be of service to others, but its practicality and attention to detail restrict spontaneity. This name creates much frustration, nervous tension, and personal unhappiness because you are not able to realize your ambitions and ideals. You desire your life to be orderly and systematized and you keep your surroundings neat and tidy, but others often see you as fussy over little things. You are a patient person and you will work hard one step at a time to accomplish your endeavours. You tend to be thorough in building a solid foundation of fact and logic, but are not inclined to pursue inspirational or creative expression as in music or the arts. (Ling: Man, that is SO wrong.) As you have modest ambitions, you are content to live from day to day and to save for your future. You budget carefully and do not believe in frivolous spending. You appreciate a settled home environment that permits you to show your love for friends and family through what you do for them rather than having to express your feelings in words.(WRONG NUMBER... yoo-hoo...) Friction in association could result if you are critical of those who do not live up to your regard for system and detail. Your health could be affected by disorders affecting the intestinal tract.


Your name of Ling contains many fine qualities: musical and artistic ability, good business judgment, and a sense of responsibility for the welfare of others. This makes you warm-hearted and understanding in your response to the needs and interests of those around you. You are always ready to help those in less fortunate circumstances. Your insistence on becoming involved in the affairs of others can cause them to regard you as interfering, even though you are only trying to help. A weakness lies in the fact that you are deeply affected through your feeling for others and could suffer through worry and disturbed thoughts over matters that you can do nothing about. While you have an appreciation for the finer things of life and could be successful along inspirational as well as business or professional lines of endeavour, there is a tendency to become involved in the needs and interests of others to the detriment of your own progress. Home and family are important to you and you desire to establish a settled home environment where you can enjoy the congenial companionship of friends and family. Mental tension could result through worrying too much over your problems or the problems of others, with an adverse effect on your nervous system.

...Yes. That was much better. See why I need a nickname?

Now let me just try the other name...

I HATE SPAM.

The next time I get any more e-mails labelled "Being massive inside her is good" or "Enlarge your member now" (to use the correct spelling, which, obviously, they don't) ...I AM GONNA FLIP.

Anything they suggest doing to me would, also quite obviously, take a HELLUVA LOT OF WORK cos', you assholes. I am a GIRL. And no, I do not need to "make HER happy all night". I am quite hopelessly heterosexual. [Edit] No... make that VERY hopelessly heterosexual.

ARRGH.

Angel of Protection.


What kind of Angel are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

... Does that mean I'm supposed to be that statue over there, the one that looks like half his head is split off?

Talk about an ugly dude...

I don't...

...Need to hear one more time that I should give up what I feel. I don't need to hear that my plans to be in any art school at ALL are fundamentally flawed. I don't need to hear any more iterations about scholarships and portfolios and questions about what I'm going to do after I graduate. I don't need to hear about the immense workload that comes with juggling both a LaSalle part-time diploma and a NUS Literature degree at the same time. I especially do not need to know that I've never been any good at juggling, or that (out of the mouth of my CT) I've never seemed an especially motivated worker. I don't want to hear about the economy downturn in Singapore and how Singaporeans have no interest in art in the first place. I don't need to know about the distance between NUS and LaSalle and the amount of time I will wear myself out travelling. I don't need to hear that I am hopelessly idealistic, terribly naive, and worse of all, IMPRACTICAL. I don't need to know that not only are my family members not behind me, even my friends suggest that I stop banging my head against the wall and major in, oh, econs or business management or something.

I don't need to know all this, because believe it or not, I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, AND I CAN DO IT.

All what I want is for someone to believe in me.

"Oranges and lemons," say the bells of St Clement's,
"You owe me three farthings," say the bells of St Martin's,
"When will you pay me?" say the bells of Old Bailey,
"When I grow rich," say the bells of Shoreditch.
Here comes a candle to light you to bed,
Here comes a chopper to chop off your head!

This is such a beautifully sinister rhyme, not when you read it for the first time in this way, but when you see it in Orwell's 1984. We just finished that for S Lit yesterday, together with Animal Farm, and by next week we have to read a heck of a lot of Orwell's essays including Coming Up for Air.

Talk about irony, there.

Just for the fun of it:

Ling is a Giant Moth that is Susceptible to Electrical Damage, emits Ultrasonic Screams, and has a Toughened Steel Skeleton. Strength: 8 Agility: 10 Intelligence: 7 To see if your Giant Battle Monster can defeat Ling, enter your name and choose an attack: fights Ling using Strength Agility Intelligence

Blew up at my mom this morning; went to school crying all the way from 6 to 10am. I have never cried so long in my life and the amazing thing is, I don't think I'm even done yet. It must be some kind of personal record.

What cheered me up was Lit S, as usual. We were going through last year's S paper exam for Practical Criticism and had to compare and contrast two "Crow" poems. Ms Lim asked me what I thought of the phrase "a blown bird" (in the WIND), expecting something on the theme of power... and feeling rather reckless I said, "Well, actually I was thinking of something really dirty." Suddenly none of us at the table could speak any longer... we were laughing too hard. ^_^

I love our 5-person-and-a-teacher Lit S class. We all have our little personalities... with Ms Lim, we've labelled each other: I'm the prose-phobic, Ailin's the poetry-phobic. With Ms Heng, I'm the idealist, Sijia's the resident cynic, Ms Heng calls herself the romantic. I like us all very much, together. And I seldom feel such connection to people; they may not know very much of me, but I like the way we just get together and have fun, we can talk about so many things that I wouldn't be able to discuss with other people! Try talking to just anyone about Shakespeare or Atwood. They'd say I was showing off; they don't understand that I really do enjoy it. Best of all, they're not subject to any kind of 'obligation' that I tend to 'expect' my usual class friends to do: I don't expect them to comfort me when I'm down, or listen to me grouch about anything (besides S Lit), or go to Prom with me. Friendship without strings - I like it much better this way. In RGS Art Club that connection was the same way.

It's not a connection that I can have with, say, Joanna or Hanjie; we are friends in class, but we belong to different worlds.

Sometimes I think we're just together for the sake of being together.

To: God [address unknown]
From: Ling [azure_dreaming@hotmail.com]
Subject: UK university studies/ Scholarships


PLEASE GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO SUCCEED.


XOXOXXXO,
Ling

Went to the NTUC today to get mint-and-chocolate cookies ^_^ as a result of one of my Weird Cravings (TM). My cravings always seem to pop up at really inconvenient times, like Old Chang Kee curry puffs when I'm running late home... or hor fun at 11pm... or ba kwa when it's not Chinese New Year... or nata de coco in the middle of the Discipline Mistress's Economics lecture.

Is Very Deadly, that last one.

Anyway, I saw some really really nice CHOPSTICKS!!! in the NTUC... very Japanese/Chinese looking, with maple leaves on them! The reason why I take such an interest in (of all things) chopsticks is purely aesthetic. Camilla bunned her hair up recently with a single chopstick during Racial Harmony Day, to go with her full kimono outfit. Quite a fashion statement: odd, but very pretty. My fingers itched to pull it out, especially cos' she was sitting right in front of me.

Today Minyu turned up in school with her hair similarly done up, only she did hers with... a pencil. Yeah, the wooden carpenter-looking kind... (I got quite a shock when I stood behind her at morning assembly, but I must say it looks pretty good). ^^; Well, not that I'm going to do my hair up the same way (not after a bit of thought that is) but what surprised me was that I was seriously considering it. Is it the school culture? I recall that when I first came to HCJC, I was pretty much overwhelmed with disgust when I heard one classmate squeal to the other, "Pin, your (red and very glittery) hairband doesn't match your (some other colour and also very glittery) rubber band!" And now I'm actually thinking of twirling my hair up with a chopstick. Hmm.

But back to the subject of food, I was reminded of the last time I wanted butter cookies after school; Mi'er was walking out with me then. I said something along the lines of, "Hmm, I really want some butter cookies right now," and she gave a "*BIG GASP* You sinful girl! Do you know how fattening those things are?" And then, "Don't you know what that means?" ... I was expecting something along the lines of You'll have to work out forever and a day just to get the flab off you etc etc... when she said, "It means you'll have to share them with me!!"

*collapses*

Yeah. So I'm off to enjoy my cookies now... in case anyone's interested, they're Pepperidge Farm cookies (I swear by this brand), $4.64 at an NTUC Near You. Please go and fatten up on them. It might make me feel less guilty *evil grin*.

The Treatment of Death in Shakespearean Tragedies
Or, “What happens when Ling gets wired on caffeine”
Also known as “Never read Shakespeare when you can’t sleep”

Characters in Shakespeare’s plays have never died easy, not unless you count in Ophelia, Cordelia and Lady Macbeth, who all died nicely offstage and without much fuss. (Come to think of it – all three were rather central characters, but all three were also women – gender discrimination on Shakespeare’s part?) Otherwise, Shakespeare’s figments of imagination mostly tend to have an irritating tendency to talk too much, especially after they have been killed. Consider the classic “Oh, I am slain” after the person is question has been slain – like "DUH"... a very lame thing to say, to say the least. What are the rest of them onstage supposed to do in reply? Rush around cooing with sympathy and maternal affection, “Oh you are slain, oh pity pity”? Why can’t they just turn pale, roll their eyes back and die?

First prize definitely has to go to Edmund in King Lear, who took three – I kid you not – THREE whole pages to die, with a whole philosophy on the nature of life and death and the Wheel of Fortune thrown in: making one wonder if Edgar should sue the manufacturer of his sword, since it was obviously not of very good quality. And then there was Banquo in Macbeth, who in his death throes still managed a speech spoken in iambic pentameter; rather a literary feat considered the circumstances. This is second only to Emilia in Othello, who, after being killed by her husband, gave a short speech and sang a song. A SONG. I suppose she couldn’t have died by having her throat cut, or the song might have turned out a little gurgly. People should really learn to die more quickly and effectively, like Juliet, “Oh happy dagger!” *stab* *die*. Instead, they prefer to take after Mercutio, with his “Zounds” “I am sped”, and several enlightening remarks involving wells, churchdoors, and a few miscellaneous animals.

Hamlet contained some of the best deaths in Shakespeare, notable not for their speeches or even their methods (poison, shriek, stabstab, die) but for the fact that all four major characters died in the space of one and a half pages. (I measured it with my fingers, I was so amused.) I am of the personal opinion that Shakespeare got tired of writing, so he thought, “Let’s wrap this thing up for once and for all,” hence the speedy deliverance. Which ended up giving a comic effect, really, especially if you read the play rather than see it performed. Maybe that’s what they mean by a comic interlude, just that the notion of time has screwed itself up and the interlude comes simultaneously with the tragedy, if you get my drift. Whatever it is, I think I preferred Tom Stoppard’s take on Hamlet with his version of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. “Now you see me, now you-”

(CURTAIN)

Bwahahahaha... Minying just sent us another link. Here's part of Shakespeare's "Macbeth", or someone's rendition of it... really funny, whether or not you know the story...

"Meanwhile Macbeth and Banquo meet three witches, who are evil, twisted, manipulative ... ow! Stop hitting me! Er. I mean they're lovely people, who just fell into bad company at an early age. They give Macbeth three predictions, by saying "Hail to thee, Thane of Glamis/Cawdor/King." Now this is in fact only two predictions, as he was already Thane of Glamis, so Macbeth should get a refund, but no-one complains. He then starts thinking about being King, and how could he achieve that? Now let's think, boys and girls ....

Macbeth writes to his wife (imaginatively titled "Lady Macbeth"), telling her about the witches. When she hears about the predictions she gets all sorts of ideas, generally involving blood, death, blood, blood, death, and blood. A messenger tells her that Duncan is coming to stay with them, and this puts her into a very strange mood indeed, calling upon spirits to "unsex her here." This is something which should only really be attempted with lots of very sharp knives, a very clean room, lots of people in white coats, and a machine or two going "ping!" at irregular intervals. However, she seems happy to leave it to "spirits that tend on mortal thoughts," and who are we to argue? The rest of her speech gets very odd indeed - she seems basically to be on far too many drugs for her own good."

Oh yes. And my sister bought me a Swatch today ^_^ So apart from the scholarship and study thing, I'm actually feeling very happy.

Attended a scholarship talk today, despite my mother and sister telling me that if a 3-subject student manages to get a scholarship, well let's bring out the champagne, cos' that's gonna be some sort of national record. And I don't have enough money to study art in the UK, which is what I really want to do - why UK? For the most ridiculous and unexplainable of reasons... because it just feels "right" - so I should get a basic degree in NUS first, like in what? The only thing remotely related to art in NUS is Architecture, which, while it sounds far better than say Toenail Studies, which doesn't exist but might as well for all the interest those other courses stir in me, still falls short of what I really want to do.

Alright. I know I sound rather grouchy now, but truth is I did enjoy the talk... it's just that reality hits hard, that's all. I saw quite a few people I used to know, whether in Secondary school or my first 3 months in RJC. I genuinely enjoyed meeting some of them again - Tee Kian, for example, and I think Lawrence has a girlfriend ^_^ - but other than that the prospect of seeing people I used to know unnerved me to say the least, and in a very irrational way. I was glad when tea-break was over.

... I am sure of what I want to do, what I want to be, what will make me happiest. I know what I want to spend the rest of my life doing, and even if I can't match up to any other people, I am sure love for the subject will spur me on to improve, and I know people who are behind me all the way. All this, come hell or high water or parental un-consent. I know I sound really naive and idealistic, but I tend to see these as strengths rather than personal failings. Fuck practicalism; I've lived on it for far long enough, and it hasn't got me anywhere I want to be.

There must be a way.

I read this in my GP tutor's blog (he's the link on the left, "A Teacher's Angst").

"how many times have looked at what goes on in my head and fear the worst. It cannot be the worst - for nothing is nothing and the worst cannot be called the worst. If the consciousness were a tool with which we shaped our thoughts, carefully, not these thrown out scraps of interstatial fiddlings, what would the worst be? And now I am become the worst not I but become because I perceive the worst dripping and sloshing all around me."

I had a dream last night. I was walking by this stream with what looked like a lot of fat red carp in it… what surprised me was that I was there with my mom. I like watching running water, have been strangely attracted to water since I was very young. I used to sit by the edge of the reservoir just looking at the water, my family would be behind me jogging or flying kites, sometimes my father would join me but I didn't like him near me. My mom thought I was weird. "What's so interesting about the water? There's no fish in it."

Humans have a very strange capacity for wishing for exactly what they can't have. What we know is that these people can't be here, aren't what we wish them to be, wouldn't make a scat of difference if they were here anyway; they might conceivably make things worse. And yet we keep right on wishing. Because if we didn't have something to wish for, we don't have anything solid to pin our wishes on. If there wasn't anything that would make us happy, perhaps nothing in the world can ever make us happy; we are left with a hollow unappeased yearning for something we can't even name.

And so we keep right on wishing.

You are a muse.

What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox

I hate... small talk.

Was walking out of school today to have lunch at Coronation Plaza, when I ran into someone I know. She was a well-meaning friend who happened to be walking there too, to buy a packet of rice for her mom. So we set off together. The conversation went something like this:

"You're going there to eat lunch? By yourself?"
"... I'm quite used to eating by myself..."
"Oh..."
*pause*
"Liddat very fun meh?"
"...Since when was lunch supposed to be fun?"

... So we walked on with me utterly paralysed for something to say. Temporary dysfunction of the mouth muscles seems to happen just when I need it the least: ALWAYS when I'm around people I don't know well. Fortunately, Singapore weather is seldom neutral, giving rise to a piece of well-known advice:

When in doubt, Talk about the Weather.

Luckily, the sun was shining REAAALLY brightly today, so I prepared a line in my head: Wow, it's really hot today huh? Just as I prepared my tongue to articulate the words...

"Sucks. The weather is so hot."

I was dumbfounded. She had stolen my line! What was there left for me to say? "Err... yeah"? "It's been like this for the past one week"? "Yes, that sucks, doesn't it?"
...

To be fair, I'm actually making it sound worse than it really was. Though I'm sure the conversation was about as exciting to both of us as water is to a dead squid. Crash course in small talk? I think I need it.

One good thing happened today that made me very happy. I was daydreaming away on the bus when a picture started forming in my head; something I think I'll do in charcoal and coloured pencil. It's not yet complete though. Then as I alighted and started walking home, another picture came. Due to the memories that inspired them, the first picture will be called "Found"; the second, "Lost". Lost and Found. ^^

This is from Colorgenics.com:

It's pretty amazing really, all what they gave me was eight colours to range in order of preference, and they somehow managed to derive a really accurate assessment on me based on it. ^_^

"You are constantly hoping that your good fellowship and attitude and your 'love for your fellow man (or women)' will give you peace of mind. You need people - people around you to care for you and to show you that they care. It is this hope that keeps you going, the hope that makes you the type of person that indeed you are. Your own need for approval seemingly makes you always ready to help others and in exchange you seek love, warmth and understanding. You will always listen to others and you are open to new ideas which hopefully will prove fruitful and interesting.

You are looking for excitement and stimulation and you are ready to try anything - but be careful not to take too many risks.

The way things are, you feel that you are stuck in a rut and there is not much you can do about it. You feel frustrated and inhibited but if you can find a way to let yourself go, you may find that things aren't quite so bad as perhaps you thought they were. One consolation is that since you are an extremely emotional individual, with the right person you may be able to release some of that frustration and tension with some mutual tender loving care.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You are anxious about all the limitations to which you are subjected to at this time. You feel that you are not valued for what or who you are. You need OUT. So why procrastinate any longer - MOVE!"